Don’t worry, I won’t talk about my period. Well, I just did but I promise that’s the last time. For now…
I’ve already mentioned that I’m sort of lacking in the department of “lady stuff” but I figured this could probably use its own post. So, attention to all the girls who suck at girling… this one is for you! Now, I additionally want to start by acknowledging that the “rules” are bending and breaking as far as standard female aesthetics go and FUCKIN’ HORRAY, amIrite? But, being in my late 30’s my brain is still adjusting to the fact that more and more people are OK with a hairy bikini line so for some reason I still think I “should” be doing all these things because its what’s expected.
Let’s start with a semi-comprehensive list of lady stuff I’m supposed to keep up with.
There’s hair. Mine is curly and until like 3 years ago I had no idea that there were so many products and techniques and creams and haircuts and gels and leave in conditioners that I should be paying attention to. Sometimes I miss the simple life when I bought drug store trash and pretended I didn’t look like Hermione Granger circa movie one.
Then there’s your face. Your face has a few different categories to consider- first there’s washing it. I found out like two years ago that that face wash I had been using daily (sometimes more than once daily if I was feeling saucy) wasn’t even a face wash, it was an exfoliator. For like 5 years I was ripping my face skin apart on a microscopic level with tiny pieces of walnut shells on a regular basis. I can’t even be trusted to wash my damned face. After you wash/partially rip off your face then you have the option to paint it. I’ve gotten away from regular makeup wear but this used to be a thing for me. I had to buy makeup that came with instructions otherwise it was pretty much a guarantee that I’d attempt a smokey eye and end up showing up for work looking like A. a rabid forest animal or B. a hungover clubber. Thank goodness some of those pallets have diagrams. Third, hair removal. Wait, should I put this in with body hair maintenance? Maybe. Suddenly in my 30s I started noticing hairs on my face strong enough to tow a trailer and long enough to tuck up into my pony tail. I mean, I was also later diagnosed with PCOS so that didn’t help but I digress…
Let’s just roll right into the rest of the body hair shall we? There’s arm pits, legs, bikini and random other spots your body likes to surprise you with. Good luck keeping up with them all! OH, and I forgot about eyebrows. Funny thing about having curly hair is that sometimes you also get thick wavy or curly eyebrows. I always know I’ve gone too long between waxing when the lady starts to apply wax and says “I’ll be right back, I have to grab a comb”. Cool. Cool cool cool.
OK- so we’ve styled our hair and ripped out what we don’t want. Maybe we put on some makeup to cover up the fact that we haven’t slept in like 15 years. Then the internet comes along and tries to sell me an armpit masque, a boob masque and (I shit you not) an ass masque. I can’t even manage all the other stuff I’m supposed to do, I don’t have time to slather my ass skin in ground up sea creatures. I still haven’t even figured out what I’m wearing today, who has to be where at what time or what we are going to eat for dinner. Sorry, husband, you’re stuck with my undetoxed armpits and my underhydrated caboose.