least favorite wake-up call?

What is your least favorite way to be woken up? I have a few, this one is pretty tops though.

Around 2 am I woke, drenched in sweat. This happens to me sometimes, even though I’m nowhere near menopause because my hormones are assholes. Yuck, I should get up and change but I can’t seem to muster the will to leave the comfort of my mattress so I decide to flick the comforter off and change position to get comfortable enough to sleep. I roll over and that’s when I realize… it’s not sweat. It’s urine. Let me clarify here that it’s not my urine, though I’m not exactly sure that makes it better or worse.

The little one has wet the bed, my bed. UGH. Now I have to get up and change. OK. Shuffle to the dresser, grab clean cozy clothes and head to the bathroom to wash up some. Need a towel to throw over the pee so I don’t have to pull everyone out of my bed to change the sheets, I’ll deal with it in the morning. There’s no towel. Why would you expect there to be a towel where you left it on the towel rack, Amanda? That’s not where you exist, in the land where things would make sense.

No towel. Eyes barely open and brain still blanketed in sleep… what do I do? BLANKET. Grab a blanket from the living room, cover pee spot, place sleeping child over blanket, attempt to get more sleep. Can’t sleep now. The brain blanket has been fully removed and I’m wide awake so I listen to my audio book for a while until I can peacefully return to slumber.

In the morning, after a shower (found the towel) I realize I can’t find my deodorant. Why is your deodorant missing, Amanda? I DON’T KNOW. Add it to the list of things that happen here with no rational explanation like how I found my missing oven mitts while cleaning out my car or the fact that there is ALWAYS a butter knife on the edge of the bathroom vanity. It’s just life here.

To be fair, I was going to wash the bedding today anyway since last night Ollie brought a worm into my bed. He came running at me all excited with a little inch worm he found. As he approached the bed, he tripped and dropped it somewhere amongst the sheets and just walked away like “oh, well”. THERE WAS A MISSING WORM IN MY BED. Needless to say I pulled the bedding apart carefully so that I didn’t have to light it on fire because I REALLY like my bed. Luckily, O took pity on me and helped me locate the larva for compassionate eviction back into the great outdoors.

Needless to say I’m a bit sleepy today so coffee is life. Also, I got to listen to Ollie explain to my husband that he didn’t need to visit the restroom before leaving for the park. “You have a penis, dad. It’s for peeing outside so let’s just go.” I nearly peed my own pants over hearing that one but my washing machine is getting enough of a workout as it is so I refrained. I’m pretty sure I deserve a gold star of some sort for NOT peeing my pants at that after birthing five children, but what do I know.