Let’s face it ladies, the older you get the more effort you have to exert to stay in the sexy game. Fear not, I’m here to assist!
One of the things I’m noticing since hitting my mid 30’s is that hair removal is a constant battle. I pluck my face, wax my eyebrows and shave stuff with vigor only to find more five minutes later. It also seems to be expanding? Like my bikini area is now also half way down my thigh? What is that?! Why doesn’t anyone warn you about this shit so you enjoy your perky, less hairy body more in your younger years? Anyway, after a nice long, quarantined winter I decided to invest in some products from good old Amazon to help bring my sexy back.
First, I got myself a giant pump bottle of Veet hair remover. Thirteen and a half ounces of mommy’s secret helper! I was trying to figure out how much time I should allot in my schedule for this. I mean, it says leave it on for 10 min which is simple enough but applying it will be another story. I contemplated filling the bathtub with it and just rolling around but was afraid I’d get it in my eyes or something. Let’s be real, with how shit goes around here I’d accidentally remove every hair from my body and walk around for two weeks resembling a phallus.
Up next I ordered one of those teeth whitening kits that you use with the UV light. I’ve never used one of these before and was very excited. The instructions were… um… not exactly super clear so I did what I always do- wing it. I loaded up the tray and popped in the light. Things were going really well until about 9 minutes in when I felt like my gums were starting to tingle. This may be normal, I don’t know but my over panicking brain immediately thought “YOU HAVE A WORK MEETING IN A FEW HOURS, ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE BLISTERS ON YOUR GUMS YOU IDIOT?”. I didn’t. Also, turns out that like A LOT of saliva builds up in there during that 15 min and while attempting not to swallow it I moved my mouth and it started pouring out down the front of me. We were doing this to be sexy right? Nailed it. I can’t say I had a huge amount of improvement from my first go but I avoided looking like Ross Gellar so that’s a plus.
I guess the bottom line is that my legs are less hairy (at least temporarily) and my teeth are slightly whiter. This may help negate that my husband often finds me at the refrigerator eating shredded cheese from a bag with dogs at my feet for clean up. Now THAT is how you keep a marriage spicy after 15 years, shoveling mozzarella down your gullet so fast that half of it spills down your shirt in an avalanche. You can thank me later, fellas.