For some of us, this day is a little more complicated than presents and a bacon buffet.
This post has been kicking around in my head for a few days. Earlier in the week I was in the dark place and this day felt a little like it was looming rather than something I was looking forward to. In the last 24 hours I’ve begun emerging from the dark hole and am running toward the sunshine so I’m going to continue on that path and not lose my footing. I do need to acknowledge it though, so I’m going to.
My eyes opened this morning to a smiling 4 year old who immediately started asking questions. Before 8am I piggy backed him to the bathroom and fought off a robo-crocodile that was apparently a massive threat at the bottom of the basement stairs, all before coffee. We laughed and shot webs at our enemy until the sweet taste of victory filled our mouths. My husband packed a bag of gifts so personal and beautiful my eyes filled with tears. My daughter presented me with a stained glass piece she made at school that says “mom”. It also included a letter where she called me magic and told me how much she loves me. The smell of bacon and French toast casserole filled the house while I sipped coffee out of my new mug that has the F word on it. THIS is what mother’s day is and should be.
Then there’s the shadow that sort of hangs around in the background. I no longer have a relationship with my mother (my choice) and on days like today, it stings. It doesn’t change the decision I made, the reasons I made it or really anything else about the situation. I just feel it prickling at the base of everything more today than other days.
Why do I share this very personal piece? Because I KNOW that I’m not alone. I know there are so many out there for whom this day can be full of complicated feelings due to the loss of their parent, estrangement, child/pregnancy loss and infertility. So today I offer you a piece of my heart and all my love. I offer you solidarity and peace. I sit with you in your feelings and I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.
From the bottom of my heart I am wishing you a beautiful day, whatever that may mean for you. And to my family: You are my world, my light and my insanity. You are my laughter, my sunshine and my dirty laundry. You are the reason I will never, ever give up and the reason I know that magic is real. Thank you *heart emoji*