not. today.

Today I will do what I want. I will not do what I don’t want…. with the exception of getting groceries and making dinner.

All week I’ve been feeling raw. Like an exposed nerve that is overreactive to the slightest stimuli. Maybe I need my meds adjusted, its on my list of “to-dos”. Feeling like this means my patience level is low and my general anxiety level is high resulting in an inability to tolerate things I typically manage without effort. For example, my children ask me for something like 1,346 things per day before 8 am and normally I’m like “oy, this is kind of annoying but whatever”. This week every request (even the small ones) felt like something that could send me into a screaming rage- and I HATE it.

Everything I was expected to do felt like it weighed a million pounds and my noodle arms couldn’t carry it. Then I feel like I’m not doing enough for my family which makes everything feel like it weighs two million pounds and on and on the cycle goes. Saturday morning I decided I needed to do something so I spent a few hours handling weeks worth of neglected chores around the house. I meal planned. I took my kids out on a fun adventure and fed them McDonalds (come at me bro, I dare you). By bedtime, I was EXAUSTED from pushing through the raw nerve feeling and doing a million things, I used every last spoon I had. Well, no. My last spoon went to not losing my shit on my four year old when he excitedly tried to share his “treasures” with me at 8pm. The “treasures” were a spider and a centipede that he dropped into my bed during his triumphant sprint to show off his bugs.

Today, I need to restock my spoons. (What are these damned spoons you keep talking about, Amanda? You can read about the spoon theory here. ) I picked up a grocery order that I paid extra to have someone shop and load into my car for me. I unloaded said groceries and later I will cook the food I bought. THAT’S IT. I will lay in bed and read my book. I will accept kisses and snuggles from any who enter my chamber. I will eat what I want, hydrate and attempt to ignore any nagging in my skull that tells me I’m not doing good enough. I might even get ice cream later, if I’m feeling saucy. If I’m not then I won’t.

The hardest part about this is feeling selfish for trying to ignore everyone else’s needs while tending to my own, but I think I have to. If I don’t fill up, I will continue to not have enough to give. So for this one day I will try to do only what I want to do. I will attempt to mute the ever growing, loudly nagging voice that reminds me of all the things I haven’t done. I won’t listen to you, asshole. NOT. TODAY.