Where do all the lost things go? Who TF knows. Around here some weird stuff goes missing, you know, like every damned fork we’ve ever owned. Bowls, cups, plates. How? Why? Chaos, that’s why.
Earlier this week I was making my husband’s requested dinner for Father’s Day which involves cans of beans and tomatoes (recipe here) and remembered suddenly that my can opener is missing. Apparently, the first time I was inconvenienced by this missing object wasn’t enough trauma for me to remember to get a new one so once again I found myself opening cans like a transient. Though to be fair, they are probably more skilled than me with a giant knife, praying I don’t lacerate another tendon in my finger. We don’t need another frozen chicken incident.
What are you talking about, Amanda? Frozen chicken?
Right, so about 14 years ago I attempted to separate a family pack of frozen chicken with a steak knife so I didn’t have to defrost the whole thing. In my stupidity my hand slipped leaving me with a teeny cut at the base of my right pinky. Got it sutured up and then realized “Hmm. This finger used to move right?” Yeah, it did. Turns out although the cut was small I went deep enough to sever the tendon and required two surgeries to fix it. Then I had to tell people I injured my hand on frozen chicken. So, you know, totally normal stuff.
Back to the can opener. While running an errand at 5 below I remembered that the dinner I wanted to make involved cans again. SHIT. Also, its 5 pm so the dinner needs cooking soon. Apparently with all the random crap 5 below carries, can openers are not amongst the stock so I took a leap of faith and ducked into Nordstrom Rack and purchased one of 2 can openers in the whole store! Winning!
The OG can opener has yet to be located. Where in the actual fuck does a can opener go? This got me thinking about all the other random things in this house that ended up in the void. I couldn’t find our vacuum cleaner for an entire day once. An oven knob disappeared. I buy plastic cutlery at Costco now because I can’t keep a spoon or fork to save my life. We’ve somehow misplaced and entire set of dishware. Once I borrowed an address book from my in-laws and it completely disappeared. I even tore through every bag of garbage that time to no avail. Its still missing all these years later, and I still catch shit for it from time to time. I know where the missing socks go because I find them later when I’m cleaning up dog shit and its hot pink but the rest of it is an enigma.
Does random crap go missing at your house? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever lost in your own home? The weirder, the better!