It’s been a while, I know. I’ve been struggling a bit to function and wasn’t in the headspace to write. BUT I’m back, bitches.
Last year for our anniversary I bought my husband a bidet. So romantic right? Hey babe, I love you 15 years worth… clean your asshole. I’ve heard and read about how wonderful these contraptions are and it seems that they are standard in so many other countries. Since I can’t afford to take him on an international vacation I thought I’d bring the shiny starfish to him.
Since installing this beauty, I hate using the toilet anywhere else. It has female cleaning, nozzle cleaning and general arsehole cleaning settings. It hooked up to the sink so you get the benefit of warm water.
Now, as with anything else in my house the water temperature can be… fickle. It can get so hot that I’ve scalded my hands once or twice while cleaning so I have always known to be super careful with the temperature settings. No one likes a boiled vagina. Along with the temperature, the higher up you pull the lever the harder the stream gets. I’ve always been super careful to ease that little knob up slowly… until today.
Maybe you’re someone that enjoys being punched in the asshole. No judgement, just not for me. Let me tell you I’m fairly certain that when my hand slipped today I got a stream so intense it could help the Ghostbusters trap Slimer and get him in that little box. I’m pretty sure I can skip the dentist because that water may have hit strong enough to run through my body and remove the plaque from my teeth. I saw STARS. Starfish? That would have made sense.
Y’all. My poor balloon knot. I think I owe it a warm bath with Epsom salts later. So, anyway, word of advice: Don’t rush in the bathroom. You deserve 5 minutes of peace and your asshole deserves a warm, gentle bath vs. a right hook.